"All people, regardless of sex or gender, share these internal energies, capacities and drives for both autonomy and connection."
"The healthy range on this spectrum corresponds to the skills and abilities of the secure attachment style, where a person is able to embrace their autonomy without fear of abandonement, as well as die deep into intimacy and connection wtihout the concern of engulfment."
"At the self level, I might think about which car most appeals to me based on my individual preferences, likes, dislikes, needs and what I can afford. If I expand beyond my personal perspective to the relational level, I will consider which car would be best for my family, including my son's needs. Additionally, the cultural level informs what kind of car I would consider purchasing based on how I do or do not want to be perceived by others. The range of cars I have access to in the US falls under the societal level, and considerations such as electric versus gas come under the global or collective level."
"Moreover, people practicing CNM typically embrace the following ideas and principles: love is not possessive or a finite resource; it is normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time; there are multiple ways to practice love, sexual and intimate relationships; and jealousy is not something to be avoided or feared, but something that can be informative and worked through."
"There are people who genuinely need and want sexual diversity and it is not because they are sexually deviant, avoidantly attached, addicted to sex or noncommittal. Instead, they are people who embrace their sexuality and the diverse desires and expressions that it may encompass and require."
"Many polyamory experts caution against hierarchical relationship structures that create asymmetrical balances of power in which people in secondary or tertiary positions have little or no say about how their relationship unfolds, or are subject to vetoes or rules from their metamous."
"Each realtionship is allowed to grow into what it naturally wants to be... the nonhierarchical structure does not endorse power differentials and allows for more flexibility in how relationships can change and evolve over time."
"people who identify as relationship anarchists make less distinction between the importance or value of their lovers over their friends or other people in their life, and they do not only reserve intimacy or romance for the people they have sex with."
"They found that people practicing polyamory exhibited secure attachment styles with both of their partners and, interestingly, having more of an insecure style with one specific partner did not affect the attachment functioning of their other relationships."
"The narratives people have about love, marriage, primary partnership and how to achieve relationship security are powerful, so much so that just the idea of being in love, married or in a primary partnership can lead us to think we are experiencing attachment security when in reality we might not be. We often assume that having more structural ties in a relationship means more security."
"The takeaway message here is not to abolish all relationship hierarchies or shared bank accounts, but instead for people to procure secure attachment from their relational experiences instead of their relationship structures."
"I call these people who thrive with their multiple partners polysecure. This is the state of being both securely attached to multiple romantic partners and having enough internal security to be able to navigate the structural relationship insecurity inherent to nonmonogamy, as well as the increased complexity and uncertainty that occurs when having multiple partners and metamours."
"True intimacy does not come from enmeshment, but from two differentiated individuals sharing themselves with each other."
"Furthermore, in CNM we are opening ourselves up to people who could become game changers for us or for our partners. Of course, game changers arise in monogamous realtionships too, but in CNM we are intentionally going out to open our hearts and our bodies to more and different people who can potentially shake up our other relationships in unforseen ways."
"To create sustainable healthy relationships with multiple partners, it's crucial to learn how to build polysecurity in your CNM relationships and even more so to cultivate attachment and equanimity within yourself."
"Research shows that it takes babies up to seven months for their attachment to their caregivers to become securely established, and for adults, a securely attached romantic relationship takes approximately two years to really solidify."
"Sue Johnson simplifies what we're looking for in our attachment relationships through the three questions: are you available, are you responsive, are you emotionally engaged?"
"In CNM, as people begin to go on more dates, enter into additional relationships or experience new relationship energy with someone else, they can start to become less available, responsive, or attuned to their pre-exising partners."
"The insecurities arising for ther partner who feels left out, left behind or no longer as important are not necessarily manifestations of jealousy. Rather, the situation and the relationship they find themselves in are no longer providing them with the same degree of attachment-based needs fulfillment that they have become accustomed to, triggering a more hyperactivated anxious preoccupied style. In such cases, sometimes just the awareness of waht is going on can be enough for the partner who has been less attentive to re-engage. Other times, strategies for being less polysaturated and more present with each partner need to be implemented, or sometimes renegotiations about the level of involvement or commitment of the relationship are needed."
"As the relationship opens, a partner's actions with other people (even ethical ones that were agreed upon) can become a source of distress and pose emotional threat."
"Very painful and confusing situations can arise when one person wants a certain relationship to meet their attachment needs, but the other person does not want the same level of involvement, or if a person wants an attachment-based relationship in theory but is practically or situationally unable to emotionally provide at that level."
Some people prefer not to define their relationships, preferring to explore and experience them without labels or traditional expectations. As long as this level of ambiguity or relationship fluidity is a match for everyone involved, it can be a very liberating and satisfying way to relate with others."
"Nonmonogamous relationships allow for more flexibility and negotiation about how close, connected and involved partners want to be. I've seen that once people get clear with each other about whether or not they are pursuing an attachment-based relationship, each person can better orient to waht the relationship is, what it isn't, what's available and what's not available, enabling people to better accept and appreciate the relationship for what it is without having to let it go."
"As previously mentioned, not all CNM relationships need to be attachment-based. We can have very fulfilling, meaningful, loving and significant relationships with people who we are either less entwined with, don't want to label or define or who we are not looking to actively build an attachment-based relationship with."
"Our attachment figures might be the people we feel levels of connection, compatibility or intensity with right from the start for reasons that we just can't explain, or they may be the people with whom our romantic attachments have organically grown in potency and depth over time."
"However you come to be wtih the partners that you already feel attached to or want to cultivate being more polysecure with, what is important is that at some point you are all clear that being attachment-based partners is waht you want for the relationship."
"What matters here is that you have a shared vision about the depth, breadth, and level of involvement that you all want together, and that everyone is able to follow through with what you've agreed to."
"Depending on what stage of relationship you are in, this might look like: A commitment to staying in exploration of the relationship together, without specifically defining the future or integrating your lives. A commitment to building an official relationships that you want to have longevity and/or more interwoven in. Commitment to building a life together where you are in it for the long haul."
"Being an having a secure base in our partnerships means supporting each other's personal growth and exploration, independent activities or other relationships, even when these actions require time apart from each other."
"I see being a safe haven as serving the role of accepting and being with me as I am, and a secure base as supporting me to grow beyond who I am."
"A benefit of nonmonogamy is that you don't have to provide or expect to receive all of this from one partner."
"While having multiple partners to turn to for a secure base or safe haven is a definite benefit of nonmonofamy, we can't forget how powerful and important it is to also rely on our self in these ways."
"Attachment is an embodied experience."
"When our partners are able to articulate the ways that we are special and valuable to them, our interpersonal self-worth is supported."
"The paradigm shift from the monogamous mindset of I am with you because you are the only one for me to the nonmonogamous view that I am with you because you are special and unique, but not the only one, can be difficult to grasp."
"There is nothing wrong with needing to hear why you are wanted and valued by your partners and it is important for you to be able to communicate to your partners why they specifically matter to you."
"After spending time with a partner, let them know the things you enjoyed about your time together and what specific things they did that were meaningful to you."
"Attunement is meeting your partner with curiosity, wanting to understand their feelings and needs."
"It is also important to create rituals and routines that honot the transitional moments when you and your partners are parting or reuniting."
"Understanding what we need to reconnect after being apart from our partners and what we might need to feel secure when saying goodbye might seem like suble things to focus on, but they should not be underestimated in their impact."
"Repairs didn't have to be perfectly executed as much as they had to be genuine."
"You are the source of your happiness, love, courage, emotional regulation and purpose, and the sooner that you can release your partner from being the source of these experiences the better for everyone involved (metamours included)."
"Knowing how to stand securely on your own two feet and how to be your own safe haven and secure base in fundamental to building your internal secure attachment."
"Nonmonogamy can feature certain kinds of loss and breakups that don't happen anywhere else in our culture. In discussing why or how a relationship ended, we may not have the same common language that is used in describing monogamous endings, or encounter the same level of acceptance and understanding."
"Shame researcher Brene Brown makes the important distinction between guilt and shame, with guilt being the perspective that I've done something wrong, which can be helpful and motivating, and shame the perspective that I am wrong, which can be debilitating and paralyzing."
"When thinking about attachment-based relationships, this phrase is extremely relevant and can be adapted to say that love is infinite, but secure attachment is not. Since not all of your relationships have to be attachment-based, you may have several, even many, romantic or sexual partners. But it is important to be honest and realistic about how many people you have the time and resources to invest in the HEART of being polysecure with before you begin to compromise or dilute your other attachment-based relationships."
"While it is extremely difficult to experience polyinsecurity, is also difficult to be asked to change your behavior to support your insecure partner."
