"That said, the Relationship Escalator does not exist in a vacuum. Race, class, religion, cultural background, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability and similar types of context can color what it means to ride the Escalator. That's because social norms tend to accommodate social privilege."
"Many participants reported that stepping off the Relationship Escalator allowed them to discover a sense of love, belonging, support, intimacy, fulfillment and authenticity that they hadn't been able to achieve otherwise."
"If at some point a partner or relationship becomes disqualified from the Escalator, usually that relationship gets sidetracked to a less important status; or it ends or simply fizzles out."
"Thus, they may socialize and vacation separately, maintain close friendships with people who are potentially sexually or romantically attractive, not consider each other to be default companions for support, and so on."
"Deeply ingrained social norms about relationships, reinforced by media, role models, legal and financial considerations, and external support and recognition, can make it quite daunting to step off the Escalator - or even to consider doing so. Several people reported conflicting feelings about stepping off the Escalator. Sometimes, it's unclear whether these emotions are authentic, or the result of strong social conditioning."
"When people continue to have strong emotional reactions or personal crises triggered by lingering ingrained Escalator assumptions (particularly about monogamy) that they no longer believe in, some people call this the monogamy hangover."
"When this happens, it can be jarring. It can feel like a friction emerging from the inside of our being: the outer form of things does not match the internalized societal programming, and therefore we might act from spite, anger, or jealousy. Or paralyzed by shame and self-judgment, we might suddenly change from being very present and forthcoming, to absent, reticent, even fearful."
"What makes these connections 'casual' is the lack of significant emotional investment, or any intention beyond having fun or killing time, or any expectation that the relationship will continue beyond the current encounter."
"First, most people prefer some stability and reliability, or at least predictability, in their most important relationships. They'd rather not be dealing with lots of change or disruption, especially in areas of life where they might feel especially vulnerable."
"Second, there's the deep-seated social assumption that a successful relationship should last a lifetime."
"Even when people are aware of (or perhaps practice) unconventional relationship styles, sometimes they still assume that traditional relationships must be safer - or at least, less prone to risk and trouble."
"Unconventional relationships definitely are not risk-free. But in the big picture, all intimate relationships are inherently risky, to some extent."
"These advantages spring from social couple privilege: the assumption that people who are coupled up are more important, and worthy of greater consideration and reward, than other people."
"No relationship exists in a vacuum. On the Escalator or not, all relationships are affected by the world around them. Consequently, if an unconventional relationship appears to be unhealthy or struggling, it's probably facile to blame that on its structure, without deeper inquiry."
"Often people view sex, love, family, stability or privilege as scarce resources - and monogamy as the key to securing access to them."
"Blended relationships are fairly common in consensual nonmonogamy. This is when partners have different approaches to consensual nonmonogamy, and they negotiate their common ground."
"These agreements can be consensual and mutually beneficial without being symmetrical."
"The catch is, social norms encourage assumptions. This can create dilemmas about consent. When people rely on assumptions, they often sidestep communication and negotiation."
"Introspection is a vital component of informed consent. This means getting to know oneself well enough to be able to clearly express wants, needs and uncertainties; as well as what one can offer or accept in intimate relationships."
"Because unless someone is dating their clone, intimate partners always have substantial differences."
"Lighter or less-involved intimate connections can be a valuable part of life."
"in polyamorous relationships, people typically are open to the possibility that more than one of their relationships at a time might develop a strong sense of emotional investment or commitment, and perhaps also some level of logistical entwinement."
"not every intimate connection must blossom into a major romance or life commitment."
"Being a metamour has some things in common with family ties. For instance, siblings are people who have an important relationship in common: they share the same parents. However, it's up to siblings to shape their own relationships."
"Constructive interaction with metamours is a unique skill that mainstream culture does not tend to foster."
"In any freeform poly network, some relationships are likely to be deeper or more entwined than others."
"The diminutive 'just' is telling. It indicates how our society prioritizes sexual/romantic relationships above others. It also implies that whether people are sexually or romantically involved is always relevant - even to people who are not involved."
"Friendships, whether they include sex or not, involve real people with real feelings - and ideally, some level of mutual appreciation, consideration and respect."
"For many people, being solo means prioritizing one's internal relationship with oneself... It just means refusing to lose or sacrifice oneself within any relationship."
"It's common for solos to carefully nurture a diverse range of deep ties with friends, intimate partners, family, and community... Solos usually must build and maintain their support networks very consciously, so they can count on support in times of need."
"Most solos prefer to avoid life-entwined intimate relationships, especially living with or marrying sexual or romantic partners."
"Merging is probably the characteristic of Escalator relationships that affects partners' lives most profoundly. It changes not just how they live and love but their very identity and ways of connecting with others."
"Usually, behavior patterns over time are better indicators than labels about the presence or strength of relationship hierarchy."
"Thus, hierarchy dictates the balance of power across a relationship network."
"... secondary relationships often grow to become quite significant and substantial, with deep mutual emotional investment and commitment."
"Partners wish to ensure that their existing shared commitments, investments and goals are honored. They also wish to ensure that additional relationships complement their life and their primary relationship - or at least, that they do not derail it."
"This is why, when nonmonogamous people say 'Relationship hierarchy works for us," it's important to consider who, exactly, is included in that 'us.' Seeking all involved perspectives can yield a more complete picture."
"Some people find that distinguishing between descriptive and prescriptive hierarchy helps them remain conscious of when their hierarchy might need to change."
"Hierarchy can be a permanent feature of poly relationships. But often, as people gain experience with polyamory, they relax their hierarchy and move toward egalitarian relationships."
"'Ethics' leans towards decisions based upon individual character, and the more subjective understanding of right and wrong by individuals. Whereas 'morals' emphasizes the widely-shared communal or societal norms about right and wrong."
"The author suggests two key axioms to support ethical decisions in relationships, rooted in considerations of basic human rights: The people in the relationship are more important than the relationship. Don't treat people as things."
"Requirements or rules about feelings, not just behavior, commonly prove impractical as well as ethically dicey. In particular, emotional requirements that attempt to make one person responsible for maintaining another person's sense of happiness or security tend to yield no win situations."
"However, consent is an ongoing process, not a one-time choice. As circumstances and feelings evolve, people may change their minds about what they want in their relationships, and what they're willing or able to consent to."
"Our culture defines a 'good person' as someone who follows rules. I think this leads to rule-based polyamory, in which people attempt to demonstrate that they're still Good People by armoring themselves in new rules, despite breaking The Big Relationship Rule."
"From an ethical perspective, a kill switch is the ultimate form of third-party relationship control."
"Desiring safety, security and stability in one's intimate relationships, and in life, is not wrong. Still, it helps to realize that people usually have many options to support feeling secure, to protect shared investments, and to improve the chances that partners will continue to meet existing commitments."
"Love and relationships, of any kind, are never, ever safe. Even on the Relationship Escalator, risk is omnipresent. Monogamous partners abandon and betray each other all the time. And eventually, everyone dies."
"How people handle relationship risk largely comes down to how they perceive their options."
"Many survey participants noted how considering one's personal values and ethics, and being open to discuss them clearly with partners and metamours, typically yields better relationships while also supporting the greater good."
"Egalitarian relationships are about partners having an equal ability to effectively advocate for themselves within their own relationships."
"Of course, egalitarianism doesn't mean that every partner always gets everything they want, or that every conflict must be resolved through compromise, or that no one is allowed to have priorities or hard limits. It just means that all partners are equally empowered to speak up, that they can expect to be heard and considered, and that third parties cannot override the decisions partners make about their relationship... No person or relationship trumps or precludes others by default... That is, only the people who are partners in a relationship have the power to make decisions about their relationship."
"... the quest for fairness usually includes active consideration of people who might be affected by a relationship decision."
"For a relationship network to be fair, everyone needs to be flexible. This includes established partners being willing to make room, or to adapt, in order to accommodate and respect other partners and relationships."
"... egalitarian relationships (as well as relationship anarchy) tend to put life-entwined relationships on an equal footing with other kinds of relationships."
"... relationships anarchists do not gauge the importance of a relationship based on whether it involves sex, romance, life entwinement, or ties of blood or marriage."
"... up-front awareness of the limited scope of a relationship can amplify its intensity and significance. And sometimes, acknowledged limits are what allows a relationship to exist at all."
"Some people believe that nonmonogamy provides a buffer which can mitigate the emotional pain and disruption of a breakup."
"Sometimes positive afterships emerge from how people manage their own emotions, and sometimes it's a matter of how they acknowledge or approach the process of concluding relationships."
"There's a huge difference in viewing someone as part of your past, vs. seeing them as having an alternate role in your present and future."
"De-escalation, or downshifting, happens when intimate partners step back from some or all of their forms of sharing or merging."
"Some people wish to retain the option of riding the Escalator, even if they're currently exploring unconventional relationships."
"... it's crucial to periodically have a conversation just to take the pulse of how everybody in the relationship feels. How does it feel to be monogamour or polyamorous? How does it feel to be having sex, or not? How does it feel to live together or apart? How do we feel about having children, or about how we are parenting? Do we want to be married or not? Do we want to be public or private about our relationship? This stuff does not stay static."
"The fundamental liberating factor is that I have a choice. It is okay to choose a relationship based on tradition, or based on what someone else wants, or based on what I desire in my heart."
"Most people who have unconventional relationships are not claiming that traditional relationships have no value. I think they're just advocating choice. They're advocating close examination or relationship traditions and seeing which ones resonate."
