Sunday, September 15, 2019

[quotes] Notes of a Crocodile - Qiu Miaojim 1994

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"Being in college gave me a sense of vocation. It exempted me from an oppressive system of social and personal responsibility - from going through the motions like a cog, from being whipped and beaten by everyone for not having worked hard enough and then having to put on a repentant face afterwards."

"Ever since I started to wise up, my family's been perpetually disappointed in me. Though it hurt them, I shattered their image of me little by little. If I didn't, I'd have to sacrifice myself in order to maintain a false ideal. I've been trying really hard to get over my resentment. It's cause them no small amount of pain."

"I'll always feel love for them and have basic needs to be met, so it takes courage to draw the line. But if I don't, my love for them and my needs will become bargaining chips that I have to exchange for my independence."

"'It was one night about two or three years ago when my world started to change. I wasn't really sure what exactly was changing, but suddenly, there I was, in an unfamiliar place."

"As dolphins hear the call of their shared language and must turn back toward their origins, the three of us found ourselves attuned to a common frequency. It was an experience too profound for words."

"Though I don't understand how that's considered love on your part, I'm not negating it either. I guess everyone has a different way of expressing their love. No matter how it comes out, it always finds its way to the person it was meant for. I just didn't know - or care - if it would last."

"As I stood on the edge, you took hold of my heart, and suddenly I realized that somewhere in this great big world, there really was a you that loved me."

"Ever since I was little and started to learn what it meant to love, I never understood that I had to love me too - otherwise, what was the point? If I wanted to join the rest of humanity, the only solution was gradually to reveal my secret."

"'Only healthy people are capable of being in love. Using love to treat an illness just makes the illness even worse.'"

"Man's greatest sorrow is the loss of what was once his greatest desire."

"At Tun Tun's encouragement, I made a big decision: I wasn't going to fall in love with another woman. This time, I was going to make a clean break with the past and pursue a normal happiness."

"The best way for any relationship to end is with the sentiment I wish the best for you, and I am grateful for what we once had together."

"A certain part of me has died as I've learned to leave behind the qualities of my youth - the overanxiousness, oversensitivity, and self-consciousness, not to mention arrogance and idealism, that diminish with life experience. I was a late bloomer, but at long last, I lost my expectations but lacked the self-knowledge to comprehend my own passions and vices."

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